Healing, The Lion’s Gate, and The Power of Living “As If”

“I will live as if joy is still possible, love is still present, and a rich and beautiful life lies ahead.”

In the wake of my husband’s passing, I have been reflecting a ton on how one drives the transition into a very new life. With my kids’ father (and my own life partner and love) gone, everything changed. Our routines, our environment, how our house sounds (no more familiar booming male voice). When school resumes and I eventually begin working, our routines and structure will further shift. Will the kids be in aftercare five days a week? Will I be in an office 40+ hours a week?

I still dream several times a week that he is with us. That he came back or never really died. Somehow, my subconscious is gentle (or cruel?) enough to remind me in my slumber that he’s still gone. But with each dream, I mourn the feeling of having found my person - of having found and kept him. My heart breaks in my sleep when I remember that I found him... and then he left. This sadness is rooted in many years as a bachelorette and then hardly believing I’d actually found “him.” But at least I don’t wake up in grieving shock. I still cry in my dreams. I wonder if that means I am crying physically in my sleep.

To date, the best medicine for my own healing and recovery from our tragic loss has been to be the woman, the mom, my kids need me to be. I understand it can seem exhausting, and maybe not the most effective path, to "work" to be something for someone else. However, we all navigate the grief journey differently, and my husband married me for some very specific traits. They include fierce independence (multi-year SAHM status aside, but that’s another conversation), firm values, deep loyalty, conscious discernment, curiosity, courage, and the undying commitment to care for my family. I knew when he passed on that I’d have to pump up the dial on all of these, because he’d have it no other way.

As I’ve shared before, I knew that the first day the kids would return to school after their dad passed, I would be the one walking them to school, head high, smiling if I could. I’m not saying to hide sorrow or pretend everything is okay, because it certainly wasn’t and isn’t. But I had no choice but to carry myself with the conviction that it would be. No choice but to exude faith.

Like all of our children do, mine look to me for cues, whether they realize it or not. Sure, they see me cry. They see me navigate hard days. But I’ve not once recoiled in desperation or defeat. Because that would only tell them that we will not be okay, and that is not an option.

In this particular case, “faking it till I make it” has become my own remedy. It’s circular: I become who they need me to be, then they reflect back a sense of comfort and security (and even laughs and joy), and their energy heals me. And so we carry on.

Lately, my algorithms have been serving me a ton of content around the power and practice of manifestation. A recent theme (though not new by any stretch) is the idea of living as if, and I love the parallels between that concept and how I’ve managed these past four months. As we now move into the Lion’s Gate Portal, the power of manifestation feels that much more potent, and I am committed to harnessing it.

The Lion’s Gate Portal is a powerful energetic alignment that peaks each year on August 8, when the Sun is in Leo and the star Sirius rises in the sky. This year, the portal is believed to open a gateway for heightened manifestation, spiritual growth, and personal transformation. Rooted in both astrology and numerology, the 8/8 portal is considered especially auspicious for setting intentions, meditating, and aligning with your higher self. It’s a time to release what no longer serves you and call in abundance, courage, and clarity. Funny enough, 8/8 is (and will always be) my wedding anniversary.

As a dear friend who believes in manifestation said, “I’m not letting this portal go to waste!”

So, what does this mean for my family?

Carry on. I will continue to greet each day with faith, with the unshakable Knowing that we will be okay, that we are okay. That while he’s not here the way he used to be, he is also always everywhere, helping make us stronger. We remain surrounded by the most loving and supportive family and community, all contributing to this Knowing.

Nest. My children have been asking for a forever home for years. We moved often throughout my marriage. Right now, we’re in a rental. But I will treat it like our forever home, because one day, we will find the home meant for us. I shall live as if.

Remember & reengage. With our sole provider gone, it is now my turn. After years of being primarily home with my kids, the road ahead feels daunting. But I built a successful career over nearly twenty years and have valuable credentials. As I navigate this next chapter, I am reconnecting with friends and colleagues from across my career to remember who I was, who I still am, and who I am becoming.

And so, on this Lion’s Gate - my wedding anniversary, my portal into the unknown - I set my intentions. I will not live in sorrow, though I will carry it. I will not resist change, though I did not choose it. I will live as if joy is still possible, love is still present, and a rich and beautiful life lies ahead - for me, and for the children who still look for their father in the stars.

Because he is there.

And we are still here.

And that, somehow, is enough to begin again.